Deadlifts & Tantrums

Probably the best thing about challenging your body to do (VERY) hard things is that, if you'll let it,

It will teach you about who you are.

Deadlifts are my JAM. I love them more than any other lift, but this morning broke my spirit. I didn't get what I wanted, so consequently threw a tantrum, which included not one but both of my shoes. And Karen's weight belt.

I left frustrated as hell. I have worked my ass off the last year and there is just no way in HELL my number shouldn't have gone up. I also felt like I let you sunrise specials down, first with a failed lift, and then with the way I handled it.

So: The am lessons: 
1. I throw tantrums when I don't get what I want. (I already knew that, but now know that in my mid-forties, the behavior still persists.)
2. I have developed a tenacity that I did not have even one year ago. Example: Today, I couldn't do the thing, so I immediately began problem solving instead of just pouting.

And Taryn's post raised one million good questions. It could have been any number of those things, and I was happy to attribute it to one of those, until I saw Holly dead lifting at noon.

Holly is an Oly lifter. And in case I haven't mentioned it, Olympic lifting has my whole heart. Her set up looked like mine did as of a few months ago: Narrow stance. Knees out hard, Hips high.

Light bulb. I knew immediately I HAD to try again. It didn't matter that a powerlifting stance would technically make me be able to pick up more pounds.

That wasn't working for me and I knew it in an instant.

I will NEVER know all the things. And thank god for that because it means someone like Taryn can come along and show you all how to power lift your DL and it's been a HUGE game changer for many of you. Or the sumo dead lift. It's made those of you who dreaded DL day be able to move serious weight around. It makes me so happy.

But just like an Olympic set up doesn't work for everyone, a power-lift set up doesn't either.

So, mid day lesson after getting a PR I KNEW I had in me: 
There is no one right way. And as you grow as an athlete, your intuition will grow too.

Other lessons:
I can lose some body fat and still be strong. 
I have developed a confidence in myself that is just now really beginning to play in my favor.
This past year..... all the work I've done is JUST NOW SHOWING UP.

I've hit my stride in that place. I'm in a strong season, and I plan to run with it. But you guys: You may go a DECADE before you really, truly GET IT.

Do you know how many times I've tried and failed????? More times than I've PR'd. No question.

Do you know how many times I let it make me cranky?

Every. Fucking. Time.

I attach a LOT of my peace to being able to perform well. Maybe that's not healthy, but honestly, it serves me. It makes me re-focus. It makes me go back in there four hours later and try again. It makes me go back in there FOR YET THE THIRD TIME TODAY to get the cardio part done.

I do that because I finally care SO G DAMN BAD that I cannot stand to not try. And then try again. And then do what's on the board, no matter what. What started as developing a habit has now become a part of my character.

I obsess over it. And I'm not sure that I'll ever stop. And I'm learning to let myself do and be just that.

Your time will come. And then, it will come in doses. It will ebb and flow. And like everything else, lifting has a life, death, life cycle that repeats itself ad infinitum.

And if you're in a death cycle, that is okay. Show up. Try. Leave and think. Come back and try again if you think it will help. Obsess. Ask questions. Go back to the drawing board. Try something different. If that doesn't work, ask MORE questions. Try it different again.

Have a tantrum but then follow the fit up with action. And settle in.

I'm not going ANYWHERE.